June 2nd, 1989

it was my 6th bday party.. we had it at home, i got sooo many presents.. n i remember my lil brother febry (he was 3 yrs old) said "mama koq aku ga dapet kado?kalo aku ulang taun aku mau kado aku lebih banyak dari butet" hehehe, mom just bought our 1st car, it was suzuki carry. me n febry was so exciteddd.. me n him insisted on takin a ride on it, while da party is on.. mom was soooo busy w da guests n said yes.. so there we went for a ride, with our driver.. inside da car was me, febry, my oldest brother jelly(anton is his real name, but jelly is his nickname at home) n sum other kids from da neighbourhood. wat my mom didnt realise is da driver was drunk.. we're batak so beer is always there on every party.. febry was so xcited, da driver put febry on his lap so he can also touch da steering wheel.. febry controled da steering wheel too, da driver controled da gas, break n other. I held my lil brother's hand from da back. we drove around a lil, outside da estate n then.. da driver drove da car to da side of da road n got da car into ditch (masuk ke got/selokan, bener ga siy inggrisnya?hahaha) so da wheel got stucked.. had ppl come n help da car back on da road.. then i realised da driver is drunk, coz he was driving zigzag-ly, so i still held febry's hand n said, "febry, udah pindah ke belakang de, nanti jatoh lagi! bang pindahin febry ke belakang bang, ade pindah de.." over n over, but febry was so excited.. jadi ga didengerin, n da driver said its ok.

not long from da 1st accident, i duno how, maybe coz da driver was sooo drunk, febry full controled da steering wheel, a 3 yr old kid wudnt kno how to drive, dey just like to swerve da steering wheel, da car was on 80km/hr or sumtin.. it was pretty fast dats for sure n febry swerved da car to da rite.. n we hit a wall.. da next thing i kno.. ppl were all over us, all over da car.. da front window glasses scatered all over da place.. da 1st thing i realised was febry was unconscious, i called him "ade.. febry" n he didnt answered, horribly glasses was all over his face, his face was covered with blood.. i called him over n over n he still didnt answer.. =( da weird thing was i didnt feel a thing, i felt ok, none of my body part was hurt, i didnt cry.. i just got dizzy, n then i got off da car.. n then sum1 said to me (if im not mistaken, it was jelly) "tet, kepala kau tuh berdarah" n then i put my hand on my head n i saw blood on my hand n i cried coz i was scared n its comin out of my head but when i cried, my head hurts a lot.. so i stopped cryin rite away so my head wont hurt, n it didnt once i stopped cryin... then i asked jelly if he's ok, he said only small wounds on his legs. it was chaotic, ppl were all over.. da driver was unconscious too.. they took us to da nearest clinic, it took a while till my parents found out, dey made us wait 30 mins, once they got to da clinic.. my mom was screamin histerically (i kno i wud too if i heard 3 of my babies had a car accident).. my dad was really panicked but he didnt shout, he was a bit calmer than mom.. the clinic cudnt take care of febry, coz its just a small clinic, so my dad grabbed him, got on a car.. put him on his lap, blood all over febry's shirt, face.. we were heading to RS.Fatmawati (coz it was da closest big hospital), i sat next to my dad, my dad didnt stop saying "febry tahan ya nak, tahan ya nak", febry answered "mmmh" like he knew it was dad's voice n then i said "febry.. ade.." n he said "mmmh" too.. then i called him again but he stopped answering..

once we got to RS. Fatmawati, i dont really remember, but dey made us wait for 30mins to an hour, dey just neglected us.. then dey said dey cudnt handle my brother.. >=( so we took off n head to RSPP (Pertamina), wer we sud go to in da 1st place.. RSPP is our regular hospital, coz pertamina was wer my father worked.. dey handled my brother rite away.. operated him, by da time we got there.. febry already lost too much blood.. n it was blood from his head.. so my parents waited outside.. n then they took care of me.. to get my head stitched, got me local anesthetic, but i think it wasnt strong enuff.. im always scared of needles.. so wen i knew dey were gona stitch my head.. i went crazy, i screamed, i crieeeeddd, i struggled, i did anything to not get stitched, so i kicked da doctor's stomach.. then i had 5-6 ppl holding me.. i dont remember how it felt bein stitched.. next thing i know, my hair got cut n my whole head was covered with sum kinda bandage.. i got me 16 stitches, if im not mistaken.. it left pitak on my head.

then i waited outside E.R with my parents.. we waited for 3-4 hours.. then da doctor opened the door.. n say "maaf bapak dan ibu, tapi anak anda tidak tertolong".. my mom n dad screamed, my mom screamed n screamed.. she was screamin like crazy.. we all cried.. da doctor said, if febry wudve made it, he wudve been crippled coz he lost soo much blood n it was too late to help him.. ='((((((((((((((((((((((((

mom almost got crazy, who wudnt, she almost lost her 3 babies.. so my mom had to counsel to psychiatrist for years, got accupunctured regularly to reduce da stress n stuff.. my dad became a heavy drinker.. =( well drinkin runs in his family.. but i think dats wat made him a heavy drinker.. for me?i got a lil stressed out too.. i used to write words w my fingers on da wind, suka bengong n sum other things dat i forgot doin.. from dat moment on.. we never celebrate bdays anymore.. it was never the same again.. my lil brother died on my bday.. how ironic is dat.. =( der was a big hole in my family, we used to go regularly to places, we stopped doin that for cpl of years.. n then started goin out again as a whole family.. n stopped again wen i was in junior hi.. mom rathered not visit febry's grave.. for years.. n prefered to forget it.. it was too hard for her.. i think we started goin to his grave again 3-4 yrs ago.. we went there before, but only once.. n never visited till 3-4 yrs ago.. itu juga coz i told mom to..

febry's grave is on flooded area, so on raining season.. pasti banjir kuburannya.. 6 months ago.. wen we visit his grave.. tanahnya udah diuruk (dinaikin/ditinggiin) biar ga banjir lagi.. so dey replaced da old grave.. but dey havent finished doin it and da tombstone was still empty.. hasnt been carved..
i remembered, wen mom told me she dreamt of my lil brother 3 days in a row.. febry was cryin, he ran into my mom, n cried n cried.. dats all he did on my moms dreams.. mom asked him "knapa nak, knapa sayank?knapa nangis?siapa yang jahat?siapa yg nakal, bilang sama mama" then he looked at mom n cried, just cried n said nuttin.. da same dream 3days in a row.. dats wat made mom visit his grave.. wen she got to his grave, his grave was flooded.. it was ugly, dirty like it never been cleaned.. grass everywer.. wen we already pay for sum1 to clean it.. we pay him everyyear.. dasar monyet tuh orang.. so we fired him n got sum1 new.. so dats y mom dreamt of him cryin, he was sad coz mom never visited him n his grave was all dirty..

as for the driver.. he lives, got broken leg, he ran from da hospital, mom didnt sue him, she cud, she knows wer he lives, he's even batak too.. dammmmmmn he's even hutauruk too.. muthafucka!!! my mom is hutauruk.. i duno how he lives thru his days, knowing he got my lil brother died bcoz of him bein drunk.. n shamelessly ran from da hospital.. as for other kids, dey were ok, just small wounds..

everytime i went to his grave.. i cant stand but cry n cry, tears streams from my eyes, like it happened yesterday.. it still hurts, i still wonder how he wud be, if he'd still alive.. he'd be da coolest lil brother, coz he always wanna be w me wen he was still here.. he wud follow werever i go, i was always mad at him for following me too much, coz everytym he hung out w me, he'd be causing trouble.. hahahahaha punch another lil kid, made other kids cried.. coz he was jagoan.. huaehuae.. he was da leader.. he's a lil gangsta.. everytym i refused him to go w me, he'd be crying hahahahah.. i wud look to him n tell him "pulangggg febry jangan ikut", then i walked, but he didnt listen.. he wud still be following me hahaha.. but he listens to me except to DONT FOLLOW ME.. i remember how dad always took us to buy superman wafer n candies n coklat ayam EVERYDAY at 4pm, oo how he loves wafer.. hehehe.. i swear he's da most good lookin among my brothers.. he was white, clean, curly, he looked like bule hhaeheahea.. oooooo i miss him sooooooooooooo muchhhhhhh everytym i think of him, i still cry.. not that i havent let him go.. i do kno he's up there watching over me n my fam, but i think da scar will never heal.. everytym i see his grave.. ders diz pain inside of me, my heart hurts.. everytym i see da tombstone, its written
day of birth : feb 3rd, 1986
day of death : june 2nd, 1989
he died on MY bday.. everytym i celebrate my bday.. its not just my bday, its da day my lil brother died.. tambah umur g, tambah juga umur meninggalnya ade g.. i used to think "i wish my bday wudnt have been celebrated, then he'd still be alive", i think i blame myself for his death.. butuh waktu lama buat g terima, kalo dia emang diambil Tuhan krn Tuhan sayank sama dia.. he's too good to be in diz world.. other than bein a lil gangsta, he had a golden heart.. if he had 3 wafer n he saw another kid lookin at his wafer w "i want wafer too" look, he'd give em without being asked eventho he know its da only wafers he wud get fot that day.. he's like my dad, if he has lots, he'd give all..

i went to his grave today.. its his 20th bday.. if he'd still be alive.. i told him dat i just finished my skul, im inlove w a guy, i wanna enter emirates, n yada yada yada.. told him how much i missed him, how good lookin he is if he'd still be alive, how gurls wud be crazy over him, how cool he wud look, how a team we wud b, n stuff, told him to take care of our fam, look after us from up there.. =) ya ade febry yah..

damnnnnnnnnnnnnn its almost 17yrs since da day he died.. ga kerasa.. i missed you de.. i reallllllyyy realllllllly miss u.. i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu... sooooooooo mucccccchhh.. everyday.. baik2 ya dsana hehehee
Jelly + late lil Febry
fiuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... lega rasanya.. i just wanna let it all out.. lagi pengen cerita..